Farley's Sick

Farley said he's not feeling well. I told him to go home and rest because he just doesn't look like his usual self... -approved by a snorting Farley Wells, CMDI.

Slow Day

It's a slow day in the industry of death, for which I am grateful. Every now and then it's nice to catch up and be able to relax a bit. With it being a slow day, I thought I'd Google one of my random thoughts to see what I come up with.

Today, I'm wondering what the style of tie I wear says about me. I currently am sporting a blue J Crew tie with wide blue stripes, then smaller white and black stripes. "The Google" says that a person wearing a tie like this tends to be quite obsessive compulsive, tends to be tall, wears a lot of white shirts, or business attire... go figure! This person also tends to let their shoes not shine to their fullest potential. They also tend to be very dry individuals; cracking jokes that only they laugh at, and cherish the rarely received laugh from a friend when the joke is actually funny. They tend to drive older pick-ups and constantly talk about their "next vehicle", like they are going to go out and buy it that day. This type of person, many times chooses gel and hairspray over just one or the other, and becomes extremely upset when the toothpaste is squeezed from the wrong end or when the lid of the toilet is left up.

Wow! Who knew?? Thanks Google, though... I don't see myself in any of these descriptions, aside from being tall.

-approved by Farley Wells, CMDI who wants to know what his yellow with pink poke-a-dot tie says about him. Need you ask, Farley??

Boredum and a Window...

It's another day in the Park and the wind is bitter cold. I can't help but think, and I don't really know, why the wind always blows on trash day.

Thursday's the day. All Iowa Parkens rush early before leaving for pay. They rush out to get their containers to the edge of the drive in anticipation of the truck coming along - coming along to empty their full containers never noticing that the wind always blows on trash day.

The Parkens fight ever so feverishly to keep their collected trash from blowing to the streets.

Some run, some holler, some say, "Why bother? - cause the wind always blows on trash day."

Oh how we wish we could change it; the day its collected. Or somehow seal the containers to somehow perfect it, but it makes us wonder that if we changed it, would the wind always on trash day?

Would it matter what day, the day it's collected? Would it matter the seal or if it's perfected? Would the wind always blow on trash day?

So blow wind blow, whether north or south, just keep blowing our trash all about. If it blows from the south, it's bound for Oklahoma. If it blows from the north, to the dump and in a coma - cause the wind always blows on trash day.

So thank you wind, you're saving the trashman strife, keep blowing, cold and cutting like a knife - cause the wind always blows on trash day.

It got boring at work, late in the day and I was watching a poor old guy chasing his green trash container down the street and I felt inspired!

-approved by Farley Wells, CMDI who was just hit in the head by a flying leftover pizza box.

Important Announcement!

Dubya, Inc. has just been purchased by:-approved by Farley Wells, CMDI who also approved a bunch of bad loans!

Hmmm... Interesting

I noticed this morning, as I was getting ready for work, that I button my shirt in a weird order. I button the right cuff, the neck button, the left cuff, and then the rest of the shirt. Why is this? Well, I googled it and found out that it says something about a person’s personality. Who’d have thought? I found out that I have quite a sense of humor, am highly intelligent, a “slight” bit obsessive compulsive, highly organized, and certain I am always right, usually with evidence to back up my opinion. WOW! I’m blown away that buttoning a shirt can tell so much about a person.
Actually, I made this whole thing up. I really do button my shirt that way, which is weird, but the whole google thing is made up. Just wanted to make you wonder how you button your shirt. Hope you’ve enjoyed a pointless post!

-approved by Farley Wells who says he buttons the front, then left cuff, then right... hmmm. Interesting.

Where's that Blanket??

I’ve always been humored at something Chandler , my dog, seems to do when he finds himself in a “compromising” situation. When he was younger, he had a real problem with going “potty” in the apartment, chewing a hole in the trash waiting to be delivered to the dumpster, and things like ripping to shreds that special receipt I needed in order to return those pants that for some reason the store sized wrong. He has always told on himself every time. He’ll run to his and Jorgie’s cage, get in it, and bury his head under a blanket, leaving the rest of his body sticking out. He acts as if you cannot see him if he can’t see you.
It made me think, “What if the world actually worked that way?” Think about it, the boss comes in, looking for you to chew out for something you did wrong. All you have to do is stick your head under the desk, or in a drawer, and he’ll never know you’re there! Or, here’s another one, you get pulled over for speeding, you know you were speeding and have no where to hide. Ahhah! Lucky for you, there’s a blanket in the baby’s car seat behind you. You quickly grab it before the officer arrives at your window and drape it over your head. Whew, that was close, and he never knew you were there! How bout that time you forgot to lock the bathroom door while taking a shower, good thing you had the towel handy to THROW over your head!!!
The weirdness of my mind…I worry myself at times.


-approved by Farley Wells, CMDI who doesn’t see anything wrong with Chandler’s way

Was That an 'R'?

Today, I had a good laugh. It was definitely one for the "Funeral Oop's" post. One of my co-workers, whom I promised I would keep anonymous, had a slight typo that I found was just too good to pass up.

Yesterday, this employee was making a MeM DVD for a minister who passed away a few days ago. It is this employee's job to scan each photo, type any captions for each photo, and burn the DVD, which is then played at the family visitation and then again at the funeral service. Well, the minister who passed away was a long-time pastor of a local church and was well loved by everyone, and also had a great sense of humor, so that made it all the more funny.

The DVD was prepped, readied, PROOFED, burned to DVD, and placed in the room for the family's viewing pleasure. It was not until the family found the typo, that we discovered it. The reason, well, the letters look fairly similar, but certainly give the phrase a completely different meaning.

The video played, the pictures scrolled to 'Amazing Grace', each a reminder of a life lived serving God and his church. Then suddenly, there it was..... the picture, him either at a birthday party or something, obviously having fun doing whatever it was, and the caption simply said "Panty Animal." I liked to have died when I heard this! What was meant to be typed was "Party Animal" but was obviously an error.

The family was taken back, but laughed at the incident saying that he would have thought it was hilarious. Oh what fun it is to work in this business! You never know what will happen next. Thanks "employee" for making me cry from laughter today!

-approved by Farley Wells, SAD-CMDI who asks "How do you really spell it?"

LOL!

I found this to be quite humorous. Something that I have talked about would be a funny thing to do and well.... he did, and has a picture to prove it! I laughed out loud when I read this post.

-approved by Farley Wells, SAD-CMDI.

FUNeral Stories

There are many times, in my wonderful career as a Funeral Director, that I hear some pretty humorous things from families, phone calls, and funeral "oopses." And, since all has been so serious lately, I think I'll share to lighten the load:

For years, we (the funeral home), have accepted payments for burial insurance and pre-arranged funeral services, a fairly common practice within our industry. One day, a little lady came by our funeral home to make her payment and, as always, wanted to talk a bit. A lot of people think that we, as funeral home employees, want to hear about their health issues. This little lady told us that she was going to the eye doctor. When asked why, which you should never ask by the way, she simply said she had a bad case of Gonorrhea that she was needing to get checked. I nearly choked on my "funeral peppermint" when I heard this. Nobody had the guts to tell her that she meant Glaucoma, but I sure hope the eye doc got that problem corrected QUICKLY!

I was sitting in the back of our chapel one day, about to fall asleep from the long night I had worked the night before, when I was suddenly jolted awake by a man who was addressing the audience about his mama and the fact that one day he was going to go see her, "Down There!" He was a bit confused on which place mama was going, cause he kept saying that "one day, he'd be able to walk those streets of gold, arm-in-arm with his mama, DOWN THERE!" He never did figure out what he was saying to everyone. Needless to say, I had no problem staying awake the rest of the service.

Then there was the man who called one day and after our answer greeting, just started laughing and said he had the wrong number. He went on to say he was trying to call the Body Shop. Right number... wrong body.

There was then the time when we were at the grave of a young man who passed away from his long fight with an illness. The family had requested the song "Cry to Jesus" to be played and when it got to the part that said "Fly to Jesus" everyone had balloons that they were to release and watch float off into the wild blue yonder. Well, this could have and would have been beautiful except for the fact that the CD the family brought was scratched just BEFORE the "Fly to Jesus" portion of the song. If you know the song, you know this is a good 3 minutes into the song. I was the one in charge of playing the song. Everyone looked at me. When I tried to fast-forward to get it to skip the scratch, the song started over. One time, then the second time, and third. The music director from a local church, whom I'm close friends with, leaned over to me and whispered, "If it does it again, stop it and I'll fly to Jesus." I know he meant well and meant that he'd finish the song, but it just came out funny. Couldn't laugh though, we finished the song the third time through and everyone released their balloons. Note to self: Great thought, but double check the CD next time.

I drove the flower van one day for a funeral where we had to drive nearly to Scotland, TX for the graveside service. Being the "Flower Boy," it was my responsibility to make certain I marked the entrance for the cemetery, especially with it being "unfamiliar territory." The cemetery was set back off of the highway down in a valley, hard to see if you didn't know it was there. Well, that was a problem because the approaching procession of vehicles would have to turn at the bottom of the hill into on-coming traffic, of which, many trucks were traveling, thus, making it dangerous to turn into. Being the "seasoned" Funeral Assistant that I was at the time, I decided to go to the top of the hill and slow down traffic with my Suburbans flashing lights. Keep in mind that the "Normal" procedure is to lead the procession into the cemetery, marking the entrance of the cemetery. Well, I was perched, a top the hill, slowing traffic and warning of the approaching funeral procession, when I noticed that the funeral procession had just passed the entrance to the cemetery and was headed straight to me; "Normal Procedure." I quickly flailed my hands in the air, trying to tell them they were passing the entrance, to no avail. My dad, who was driving the lead car, noticed what had happened about a half a mile and 14 cars too late. He was "dead" even with me and gave me the funniest look. I quickly pointed down the hill, from whence he came and the whole funeral procession made a 'U'ie in the middle of Highway 281, limos, funeral coach, and all! Looking back, I'm sure the people, both in the procession AND sitting waiting for it to get out of the way, were probably thinking, "This Funeral Home don't have a CLUE!" Lesson Learned: If you're gonna be the smart guy trying something new, use your cell phone to let the lead driver know what's going on, and then, mark the entrance!

There was a man who called a few weeks back that was wanting pricing information for a cremation. I answered as the funeral director and asked how I could help him and he said, "Yeah, I need to know your price for a cremation AFTER death." It was one of those moments when I really wanted to say, "Well sir, it's definitely less expensive than BEFORE!"

I guess God puts these funny little incidents in our business to keep us in a good mood, cause Lord knows, it can get rough if we don't laugh every once in a while.


-approved by Farley Wells, SAD-CMDI who empathizes with the woman with eye problems. I'm not sure what he means by that.

Service With a Smile!

I know I have blogged about how I think the Braum's we patronize is a bit strange, and yet again, I am amazed at its weirdness.

Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store "Kemp Street Edition" is just FUNNY! From the day that we discovered that "Zondra", the male ice cream dipper, was becoming more "lady-like" with his masculine facial features becoming ever so "soft," I knew the place was going down hill.

It had been a while since we had gone inside of the restaurant and a few weeks ago, we noticed that Zondra had more than likely completed "it's" evolving into a female from male, complete with the squeaky high-pitched voice and LITL (Light-in-the-Loafers) Package. DISGUSTING!! I just don't see how any man could want to be a woman, but I expect nothing less from Braum's "Kemp Street Edition."

Then there was the whole "Racket Man" incident, of which I blogged to no comment. I guess I was thought to be a bit harsh, but oh well.

And just last Friday night, I was with my loving wife, Kim and wonderful friend, Joseph, who happened to be buying, as we drove through the drive-thru of Braum's "KSE." We ordered some drinks, one for Joseph and one for Trevon, who was meeting up with us after youth service; and also a single dip Mint Chocolate Chip Cone, one of my favorites that I couldn't wait to have! For some reason, I was REALLY in an ice cream mood.

Well, to make a long story short, we order... we pull around... ... ... the window opens... out pops.... no, not Zondra... but Poofy Headed Guy in a Hat; a new addition to the Braum's Character Cast. Poofy Headed Guy in a Hat was a nice guy, but seemed EXTREMELY eager to please! You know, fresh off the Customer Satisfaction Training Video. He was so "EXCITED" about pleasing us that it was without a doubt, to a fault. He reached out the window, handed me the two drinks, and then the the cone. The cone... with melted, mint chocolate chip ice cream dip oozing down the side. Poofy Headed Guy in a Hat was aiming to please so he told me, "You can have this one for free, OR I can make you a better one and CHARGE YOU FOR IT!!" What was that? Did I hear what I thought I heard? Did Poofy Headed Guy in a Hat just say he'd charge me for a new one? I kinda grinned, to keep from yelling, or laughing in his face and simply said, "I'll take the FREE one." He wins the Customer Service Rep of the Year Award!!

Braum's "KSE" never ceases to amaze me! Just another feature I want to ad to my Funeral Home that treats you like you're in a Restaurant; "Ma'am, you can either have this casket that's just 5 inches too short for your husband, OR I can charge you for a "more fitting" one!!

If you haven't experienced Braum's "KSE," try it! It'll make your lunch, dinner, day, or even week just that much brighter. You'll either leave fightin' mad or smiling, with a chuckle under your breath.

-approved by Farley Wells, SAD-CMDI who happens to be a Butter Pecan fan. He says that when it melts, there's always a surprise in it... What he means, I have not a clue!

Good-bye Moto!

IOWA PARK - V. Moto Rola, 3, passed away 'piecefully' on Tuesday, February 19, 2008 in Iowa Park. Funeral Services will be held at a later date under the direction of you know who funeral home. Burial will follow at the IESI Landfill at a date shortly after the funeral.

V. Moto Rola was born, August 12, 2004 in Iowa Park to his owners W. Lynn and Kim Dawson Dutton. He lived an adventurous life as the phone of a funeral director, making certain that each call was received promptly and without interuption, except for the times he was in an area of 'less bars in more places.' He took pride in the many ringtones he stored and played to their fullest potential with each and every one of his owner's friend's calls. He would be missed, but his owners have replaced him, and his twin sister, V. Mota Rola with brand new Blackberry Curves. Moto is preceded in death by many friends and family including his parents, Original Moto Rola and Old Moto (Flip) Rola.

Survivors include his cousins, Red Blackberry and Titanium Blackberry of Iowa Park.

Memorial donations may be made to the Lynn and Kim Just Bought Blackberrys Foundation (LKJBF) at 300 East Cash St. Iowa Park, TX 76367.

-approved by Farley Wells, CMDI, who thinks you still have to crank the phone to make it work.

Bet You Scratch Your Head!

-approved with a tingling sensation in his hair by Farley Wells, CMDI.

Now where did they put that package??

-approved by Farley Wells, CMDI

Scary!!!

-approved by Farley Wells, CMDI who just discovered where Chelsea Clinton got her looks.

Do the "Bush"

President Bush in rare form. I thought it was funny.

-approved while beating on his bongo drum by Farley Wells, CMDI.

I Found it Funny

I was a bit bored earlier and decided to type the words "Iowa Park" in the image finder on Yahoo! just to see what came up. I literally LOLed when I saw the first page of pictures! It was none other than the ONE thing that EVERYONE who has every lived, visited, driven through, or tried to talk outside in Iowa Park has encountered at least three times. A train.

Our apartment sits exactly one city block, that's a SMALL city block, away from the BNSF Fort Worth to Denver track that 3 years ago felt a whopping average of 18 trains a day pass thru. THAT, my friends, has gone up since then. In the past two weeks, I have not been able to go outside without hearing the roar of an engine or the shrieking, ear piercing, teeth grinding, earth shattering HHHHOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNKKKKK!!!!!!!!! of a lovely train passing through. I counted one day, you know, a day much like today when I'm bored, I counted 20 trains that went through, just within an 8 hour period. So, that tells me that the 18 per day average has increased JUST slightly.

To make matters "better," speaking from a "positive" standpoint, whoever first laid the track through the wonderful town of Iowa Park thought it would be a good idea to put a switchover second track right smack dab through the heart of town. Yes, I said "SMACK DAB!" That's two miles of double tracks through town that are used for passing trains. These are normally found somewhere out in the middle of nowhere, where they don't disrupt the day-to-day duties of Americans at work or play. Some may argue that Iowa Park is the perfect place for such a thing, but I disagree. For those who have ever had the opportunity to live by a switchover track, you know that trains can occupy this two mile stretch of track for sometimes HOURS. One train creeps by at a speed of less than 5 miles an hour while the other train is at a dead stop. This usually occurs at the "lowest" traffic times like 8 am, 12 noon, 3:30 pm, and 5 pm. Just at the times when the whole world is going to work, school, lunch, getting out of school and getting off of work OR when you are in the biggest hurry and need to get across the tracks, or you're driving your Paw-paw's truck that likes to overheat and you really don't need to be stuck waiting on a train. Oh and I failed to mention that BOTH trains, while passing each other, use their shrieking, ear piercing, teeth grinding, earth shattering HHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNKKKKKKK!!!! just in case there is some idiot that doesn't know that there are two trains sitting on the track for two hours. Last time I checked, the shrieking, ear piercing, teeth grinding, earth shattering HHHHHHOOOOOOONNNNNKKKKK!!!! is to let everyone know you are on your way down the track and to get out of the way, NOT for a concert in G Minor with an augmented 7th!!!

So here's to you Mr. BNSF Engine Honk Blower, what would Iowa Park do without you in our lives.

What's that I hear in the distance???

-approved by Farley Wells, CMDI who is mumbling something and turning off his hearing aides.

Special Delivery

I was working one day at a funeral home (which shall remain nameless), covering a funeral for a director who was out of town that day. The funeral was at 11 AM in the chapel with the burial in the cemetery (also, nameless) across the street.

At 9 AM, we received a package from FedEx with a label “KEEP IN COOL, DARK STORAGE,” and was addressed for the funeral of (again, nameless). Of course, this peaked all of our curiosity, and since I was the director, I was the one who had to open the box to see what it was.

I had thought that maybe it was some sort of small floral arrangement or something, but was a bit unsure, seeing as the package was the size of a volleyball, which could be all sorts of “scary” things.

Well being the quick thinker I am, I decided to call the family first. I spoke with one of the children who informed me that an aunt had ordered butterflies which would need to be released at the graveside service. I thought to myself, “Unusual, but Okay!” So, I put the box in a closet that was dark and cool, just as directed.

When we got to the graveside, I had opened the box and found little triangular “envelopes” with rubber bands around them. The trick was, you pull the rubber band, the triangle unfolds and the butterfly so gracefully flies away and the memory of that loved one is forever remembered in the butterfly. If only life were as perfect as the instructions!

I handed the triangles out to each grandchild, as instructed. Keep in mind that the oldest of the grandchildren was about 11, so we’re dealing with young participants. You could tell which aunt had the wonderful idea by the huge gloatacious smile upon her face that I can assure you was short-lived.

Each grandchild opened the triangle to find, what appeared to be a dead moth. The instructions had warned that you needed to give the butterfly about 2 seconds to wake up out of their “dark cool place coma,” and they would spread their beautiful wings and fly away. Didn’t happen! Each moth lay there, snoozing away for a good 15 to 20 seconds and nothing happened, a minute, nothin'. Well, as you know, young children don’t have the patience for 15 to 20 seconds, let alone a minute, and I must confess I didn’t either! One of the kids threw their’s up in the air just to see a moth fall helplessly to the ground.

What had happened, unbeknownst to me, was that the butterflies shipped to 110 degree Wichita Falls, TX were butterflies from 72 degree CALIFORNIA!!! They didn’t know what to do being released into an oven.

After we “went on” one of the young grandchildren began stomping on the defenseless butterflies, yelling, “MOMMY LOOK, THEY’RE LIKE GRANDMA!!” Needless to say, it was not the time or place for such actions, seeing as the service was in Grandma's memory.


Later, as everyone was leaving the graveside, I and my wonderful associates all witnessed a beautiful occurrence. Each moth, who survived the wrath of a 5 year old grandchild, began to spread their wings and fly away. Turns out, they weren’t moths at all. Each one had the beautiful markings of a Monarch Butterfly. They all flew west for some reason, I guess in an attempt to journey to their homeland. I wonder if they made it home.

It was ashame the family had already left and was unable to witness the event.

I wonder if the aunt got her money back?

-frolicking with his butterfly net a waving, approved by Farley Wells, CMDI.

I Don't Get it...

JUST LAUGH. You know you want to!

Lighten Up a Bit

I thought I'd share a funny story from a while back to lighten up the mood a bit. Kim and I were on our way somewhere, I don't remember where, but we were on the highway traveling. We were just driving along, enjoying the ride, both awake, surprisingly enough, and we saw a deer on the side of the road. Kim, in a way that only she can, said "I didn't think it was deer season!" Oh my goodness, I laughed so hard I almost cried. I explained to her that deer are out all year long, not just during the time allotted to kill them. It was quite humorous. So now, upholding the Dutton Family Tradition, I can't just drop it, every time the opportunity arises, I have to get my little jab in. Like, we were walking around the lake a few weeks ago and there weren't quite as many ducks out as usual. I made the comment that we were there in the wrong season because duck season wasn't for a few more months. I don't have a clue when duck season is, or if there is such a thing, but I just had to let her know that I would haunt her with it as long as we both shall live, AND THEN she informed me that they couldn't have gone far, seeing as ducks can't FLY. I Love you Babe, sorry you have to put up with me and my sarcastic humor. My life is so much greater with you in it.